I'm grumpy, stormy, irritable.
It's PMS + rain falling + anxiety from being somewhere in the middle of my thesis and trying to figure my way out.
Today I intended to finish the first half and step nicely into the second. I wanted to feel solid, complete about the first half but the hermeneutics of the process is that the first half feels inadequate but I can't see myself really bringing clarity or strength to it without going into the second half - discussing context and application of the ideas in the first half.
And last night - sitting on the back of a motorcycle as we drove through sun-drenched prairies - I was okay with that plan. The doubters and dissenters inside my head were muted, if not quiet.
And then today I received an email from advisor. It was a supportive email but it gave acknowledgement to those doubters and dissenters and made me have to have quite the conversation with them.
The tension is good in that it is the right for me to go: is this the right, next step? Where am I right now? And - How interesting that I am at this point! It is to bring clarity and confidence about where I am, why and where I want to go and some sense of how all my thoughts fit in.
Which is good and healthy and part of the whole experience. And I just needed to let myself be a bit grumpy and stormy while looking the tension in the face and use it going forward.
But - oh - how happy I will be when this thesis is complete and in the mail!