Signed, sealed and being delivered

It's taken me some time to put together this post.  After sending my thesis off to the printer - I needed a break from typing out words in any form of narrative other than short emails.  So here I am - a few days later - reflecting on how these days feel and acknowledging this milestone.  


On the 30th of September I mailed my thesis to the UK finishing my part in the journey that has been my MSc.  It was done with a sense of completion, satisfaction and readiness to move forward from here.  The text I have written feels inadequate because it does not contain or capture the richness of the experiences I have this summer, the inspiration I have been given by the people I have met, nor all of the ideas that are bubbling inside.  In that way - I expect it has been a success.  For me - my MSc and this thesis was a key step in my coming home and rooting into the topics and the places that I am passionate about.  I have taken that step and am ready for the steps that follow.  And in the last few days, it has been nice to know that I can go berry picking (rose hips, hawthorn and mountain ash) without the guilt of feeling that I should behind a book or computer screen.  

Title page of thesis:  Home Coming: An exercise in belonging by exploring ecological resilience and the farming communities of east-central Alberta

Word cloud from the complete text of my thesis

If you would like to take a look at the complete edition - you can download it here:  https://public.me.com/brendalynnschroeder

Almost there

In one week - next Thursday - I should be picking up my thesis from the printers and taking it over to mail off to the UK.  I am almost done: almost because there is still some editing to do, some areas I am not satisfied with, a title page and final bibliography to pull together.  Almost because until I mail it - it will never be done.  Almost because no matter how close or how far away the deadline was - it will never be done.  In fact I only now feel equipped to really begin.  It's a familiar feeling - one that I have had every time a project (big or small) ends.  I guess its a sign of being alive, being driven to learn, being ready for the next step.

Wordle - Thesis Section 2

Click on image to see it in larger form.

Thesis, Part 1 - as a word cloud

Click on the image to see it in larger form.

Dealing with the doubters and dissenters

I'm grumpy, stormy, irritable.
It's PMS + rain falling + anxiety from being somewhere in the middle of my thesis and trying to figure my way out.


Today I intended to finish the first half and step nicely into the second.  I wanted to feel solid, complete about the first half but the hermeneutics of the process is that the first half feels inadequate but I can't see myself really bringing clarity or strength to it without going into the second half - discussing context and application of the ideas in the first half.


And last night - sitting on the back of a motorcycle as we drove through sun-drenched prairies - I was okay with that plan.  The doubters and dissenters inside my head were muted, if not quiet.


And then today I received an email from advisor.  It was a supportive email but it gave acknowledgement to those doubters and dissenters and made me have to have quite the conversation with them.


The tension is good in that it is the right for me to go: is this the right, next step? Where am I right now? And - How interesting that I am at this point!  It is to bring clarity and confidence about where I am, why and where I want to go and some sense of how all my thoughts fit in.


Which is good and healthy and part of the whole experience.  And I just needed to let myself be a bit grumpy and stormy while looking the tension in the face and use it going forward.


But - oh - how happy I will be when this thesis is complete and in the mail!

"You are Here"

I am over 1/4 done my thesis (close to 1/3) by the word count and I am inching closer to the end of part 1 (of 3) of my thesis.  Statistically that is pretty good - considering I have over 2 months left until it has to be posted.


And yet it feels like I am just getting close to the end of a very small bit of the thesis; it feels like I have yet to say anything new or analytical... the section left to write in part 1 is the most important as I now need to make the leap from ecological frameworks and understanding to looking at human/social systems... the grounding and the framework I need to establish in order to get to the application part of my thesis (climate change and farming communities in East Central Alberta)...  


I would liken the feeling I am having is like having hiked uphill on a path that many others have walked before - and then looking back and thinking, "I've only gotten THIS far and it has been THAT long?"  And then looking at all that is stretching in front of you and wondering if you have enough time and space to do it all.


Yet - I know that if I haven't and don't continue along the process I am in, the next sections won't contain the insight or depth I am looking for - that I am looking for not just for a thesis document to hand in but for the kind of work I want to be doing post-thesis.  


So I am turning off the word counter because I know if I keep on working at the pace I am, it is not going to be about having enough words:  I am going to have plenty to edit and piece together.  It is about the learning, the insights and the internalising of the ideas and that process (for me) is taking words from books, running them through my head and bringing them back out on paper.  


All this sounds pretty obvious because - why would I be doing it if it wasn't for the learning?  But trust me, after almost three months of reading, research and writing - one begins to wonder what you are doing it all for, what added value you are bringing through the time and effort, and if you are getting anywhere.  So it's good to remind yourself of the process as well as focussing on the part you are in.

An update and an excerpt

It's been almost a month since I have been home and a couple weeks since I posted here.  I guess the last days have fallen into a pretty decent routine of breakfast - reading/writing - some gardening or something outside - lunch - more reading/writing/gardening - dinner, cooking it sometimes - cards or knitting or some less 'brainy' stuff but maybe still related to my thesis.  Also - mix into that getting logistics to coming home sorted (almost all done) and the break in there when I go out to Vance's for a walk on the farm or he comes into town to catch up.

It's great in terms of getting to enjoy the summer and having time to think and work - although I am getting restless in terms of missing a bit more of an active/social life.  It is good to be able to balance the heady stuff with things like weeding the garden, picking raspberry leaves to dry, foraging along the pond for wild mint and yarrow...  we've had two ripe strawberries and more asparagus from the garden and just holding breathes to see what survives the rain and wind from the last 24 hours.  We've had over 10cm of rain since last night at 6pm - (18 hours) and it is still coming down.

I am off tomorrow to spend 4 days working on Sunrise Farms (mentioned in the earlier post) - I kind of wish the sunshine and heat was still around but guess I won't be too hot in my coveralls!

Will try to post more from there but in the mean time - thought to share this small paragraph from the introduction of my thesis.  I was writing about the approach I am taking and why.  This was the final, more personal point:

"A journey to become native to this place.  This place in time and space that humanity is within; this place in the ecosystems that we humans occupy; this place in Alberta, Canada - were I grew up but never really felt a part of until now.  Wes Jackson’s book “Becoming Native to This Place” gave me this underlying statement and understanding of what my journey has been about.  I have sought education and experiences to help me witness and understand the wider global context that my life sits within; I have held deep the question “how can we humans flourish, unapologetic-ally, on this earth?”; and I have felt pulled back to Canada, to Alberta and to the rural life I was raised in.  These questions and explorations are my journey to becoming native to this place and I believe that as I live my inquiry I am a part of all humanity re-placing ourselves."

We did make a trip out to the farm that I grew up on.  It was unplanned (at least from my part) and it was a bit overwhelming in terms of the memories that came back.  Just walking through the yard, a smell or the sight of a certain tree or spot near the barn... and a sweet, simple memory would be waiting for me.  I hope to make another trip out there before the place is sold.

Roots and Shoots

It's now been just over a week that I have been home and what a week it has been.  Am going to capture here some highlights:

Open Day at Sunrise Farm:  Last Thursday we went out to Sunrise Farm to join about 25 others in walking about the land and learning of the journey that Don and Marie Ruzicka have been on these last 15 years.  The conversations that happened through the day moved from co-planting trees to create shelter-belts and wildlife areas to how our economic system does or doesn't 'count' and on to our role (as farmers and as humans) in the broader ecosystem(s) we are apart of.  It was like being back at Schumacher.  What a wonderful gift - to find a philosophical home as I reconnect to my physical home.  

Old friends: was fortunate to be 'kidnapped' on Saturday by one of my dearest friends from high school.  Deanna picked me up and took me up to Edmonton to see one of her daughters dance in an Irish performance on Saturday night.  It was great to reconnect with Dee and to have some time to cuddle her kids - I do enjoy being Auntie Brenda.  I came back to Stettler with a bag full of wild mushrooms and some horseradish... probably not the usual thing a woman goes to the city for.

Gardening, composting and cooking:  am enjoying putting down roots - literally.  I have picked up some potted herbs for cooking, planting some seeds I picked in the Dartington Gardens before I left, and set down the horseradish roots from Edmonton.  And am now practising patience in hoping for the seeds and roots to produce.  

In the patience field:  I built a compost in the backyard and again - now the waiting game of decomposition begins.  I was pleased to find some very fat worms under it and take that as a sign that they are busy at work in the bottom layers of food scraps and cardboard.

And cooking:  those mushrooms have served us once alongside our garden asparagus and my basil plants to make a yummy pasta... and tomorrow the rest of them will feature at our BBQ.

Connecting ideas and getting back into the labyrinth of my thesis:  I just finished reading 'Web of Life' by Capra and have a good sense of my first chapters as well as the inquiry I am on...  and so will be taking more steps in that direction over the next days.

Speaking of labyrinth - was amazed to stumble across one in the park right by my parents place... but it needs some care by the park maintenance, you get half way in and then lose the path completely.  NOT the metaphor I need right now :)

And another good find:  a local, organic winery that is about 2 hours from here selling their wines at the farmer's market... tasting notes to follow soon ;)

Pictures can be viewed here.

Landing

Written on the 13 June - the sun was shining but my head was hazy so apologies for the disconnected thoughts and emotions:

24 hours (almost) at home and  I can say I am unpacked.  Or at least as unpacked as it is going to get until I find myself in a permanent home (however many months from now).

After bouncing from Romania for a wedding - Ireland for some gorgeous views and wonderful music - Wales for an Organic Gardening course and then back to the College for my last bag: I arrived into Calgary airport yesterday at noon with no ticket out and declared myself a Canadian resident again.

I AM facing small bouts of anxiety feeling like I am behind on my thesis because I have been 'away from it' the last weeks (despite being fine according to my timeline and plan) and also feeling like I need to start moving to get a job and pay back my loans.  But I am keeping calm and blaming this anxiety on the jet-lag grogginess I have been walking around with.

Getting on the plane to come home was easier and less emotional than I thought it would be - but once the many good-byes were said, this step was really another in a path that was set out last year when I left Singapore.  It is a big step but it is not a change in direction and so it feels natural.  It is something I have been preparing for over the entire 8 months spent at the College.

In the last few hours I have unpacked into my bedroom and begun to make my parent's basement my temporary home and office for the summer.  The desk is set up, clothes put away, books laid out... all I need to do is arrange for internet and to tack up my previously designed 'thesis maps' and I am set to get back to work on my Master's.  

It was interesting being 'reunited' with my items from Singapore.  I went through the boxes I had shipped and pulled out the books, a few kitchen items and other things that I will use this summer... the rest can wait in the boxes until I have my own space again.  Just seeing and touching some items took me back to different times and I am reminded of how much has changed, come together, fallen away over the last year. 

And it has already been nice to share with my parents ideas for little projects around here (setting up their compost), reading more about what 'weeds' we have in our garden that are edible (my mom seems excited about getting into a bit of foraging with me), and bird watching with my Mom from our back porch.  The back porch and garden have already become my favourite spots again.  While my desk in the basement may not have the stellar view I had at the college - having a sunny patch of grass and a little garden to sit next to, I am in heaven; I am home.

B

guru --er--- teacher and guide--- yes.

While I understand the concept - I have never been quite comfortable with the ease that many people accept a guru or spiritual master into their life.  Some have explained to me that it is part of the practice to surrender your growth to the master who knows better than you the journey...  surrender without questioning - probably something I am not good at.


I wouldn't call her a guru nor is this about spiritual matters - but I can begin to understand the trust you can place in someone as your guide through a journey that is new to you and that they have been through with many others.  My thesis advisor  is proving to be a guide in more than just my thesis; it is also a lesson in surrendering (a bit) to someone and letting them guide me through the process without having to question or rebel when they say "what you need to do next is"...  it helps that she gives really 'good' (meaning ones that are congruent with me) reasons for her suggestions.  But my trust in her comes from the fact that it is a very new path to walk for me (this writing a thesis of 30,000 thing) and I need her guidance.  It is a lesson in being able to accept help, guidance and to need another.

Circling the Labyrinth

This week I spent quite a bit of time mapping out the scope and timeline of my thesis, going through lists of books and websites that I have bookmarked over the last months, talking through my ideas with our course tutors.  I realised what I have been doing is circling around the outside of the labyrinth that I am about to enter.  


Over the last months - the labyrinth has become a physical presence and a deep metaphor for me.  The overall process as well as many small processes (each paper, for examples) that I have gone through here has felt like walking a labyrinth.  Walking deep inside the pattern, the image - sometimes I am able to let go and enjoy the journey, knowing I will be led out again; other times feeling like I am in a maze that I won't find a way out of.  Knowing the process of writing my thesis will be like this - I have been preparing myself, mentally and emotionally, to step again onto the Labyrinth's path.

When it comes to thinking about and planning for writing my thesis - I have been at this for months.  My topic emerged and clicked for me in early November and has been with me through the lessons, long walks, conversations and readings since.  I have anticipated this moment: when all the 'work' in front of me related to it and I am to focus, solely, on research and writing about "How resilient are the farming communities of East Central Alberta (Canada)?"


And I woke up with a familiar feeling - anxiety, doubt and apprehension combined with excitement, confidence and consciousness.  From the recent experience of writing the 5 short papers for our courses - this feeling is familiar.  It is a similar feeling that one might get on the morning of a long journey.  You have a rough idea of what lies in front of you and the milestones along the way, and even know when you expect to return.  You know why you are taking the journey and are excited for the unexpected events that you know you can't and shouldn't plan for...  but the ambiguity and the knowing that you will have to get a bit lost and spun around in order to fully enjoy the trip creates a bit of caution and nervousness.


So here I am - finishing up packing my bags (metaphorically) and getting ready to step out the door into the journey ahead.  The sun is shining across the garden and the birds are singing a tune of encouragement - so I shall face the blank paper, reveling in the tingle along my spine.